Cancer Etiquette
79Show your support....
More hubs by Sunshine.....
- My Letter to Cancer
In one way or another most of us are, were or will be affected by cancer. This is my letter to cancer. It was very therapeutic for me to write. I hope it also serves as a form of therapy to you as... - 4 months ago
- Lessons I've Learned From Gangsta Granny
Gangsta Granny isn't just any ordinary granny but she sure is gangsta! She has inspired many people as she assists her husband in his battle with cancer. - 6 months ago
- Provenge Treatment for Prostate Cancer
Provenge Therapy is the latest treatment for Prostate Cancer. This is my husbands journey with Provenge. - 6 months ago
- Prostate Cancer and the Importance of the PSA Test
Dear U.S. Preventive Services Task Force...we would appreciate it more if you focused on the positive...if it ain't broke don't fix it! - 7 months ago
Cancer sucks.....
Cancer invaded my life many years ago. I'm not a personal victim of cancer but I feel I've been victimized by witnessing the agony my loved ones have endured. I personally witnessed events and statements in their lives while they were fighting the beast. I feel compelled to share some of the common sense knowledge I've learned over the years. Possibly by me sharing this hub another cancer survivor or fighter won't have to hear or deal with uncomfortable moments or questions. There are many people who never had to deal with cancer, to them it's just something that happens to others which is understandable. Those people might not know what to say or do when they hear someone is struggling to save their life. I hope this helps you learn what to say and what not to say when your encountered with an awkward situation. This is my opinion and the responses I've heard from victims over the last 11 years.
Don't ever, ever tell someone "You have the good cancer!" There is no such thing as a good cancer, cancer is cancer and all cancers are deadly but treatable if caught early. Early detection is of upmost importance but sometimes there are no symptoms. Either way there are NO GOOD CANCERS.
Don't be afraid to ask a cancer victim or their family member how they are feeling. How their treatments are going. Some people think they shouldn't approach the subject because they don't know if it's the right time, there is no such thing as the right time....just ask....if they don't want to discuss it they will tell you that. On the other hand, they might need to vent so ask only if you truly care and want to hear their response no matter how lengthy it might be.
Don't assume cancer is contagious and by discussing it you might catch it. That's impossible but that question has been asked, oddly enough.
Don't say "You don't look like you have cancer"! How is someone with cancer supposed to look? The monster is internally gnawing away at their organs, their hearts are heavy with sadness....that's not always possible to see. Not all cancer patients are bed-ridden waiting to die. Medical technology has come a long way in treating cancer and victims can now live a lot longer and have more productive lives.
Don't say "I'll pray for you" unless you truly intend to pray for them. Granted there are some people who keep a list of ones to pray for but I believe that most people say that because they feel it's customary. If you intend to actually pray for that person than say it, if not something such as "I'll be thinking of you", "You'll be in my thoughts" or "break a leg" will suffice.
Don't offer to chauffeur a patient to an appointment or hold someones hand during a procedure unless you intend to. Many people out of the goodness of the hearts offer assistance and don't come through when needed so please don't offer and get their hopes up unless you are able to be there.
Do call them. A phone call to say hello and share some memories or to simply talk about the weather are appreciated. Conversations don't have to revolve around cancer. Trust me, patients want to forget they have the beast sometimes and escape into your world if even for a little while.
Don't ignore them and assume by doing so there isn't an issue. Cancer isn't that easy to get rid of. Your loved one is ill and now is the time they need interaction from you. Your support is an important part of healthy healing. Without support a cancer victim might not have a purpose to fight as hard as they should.
Do suggest to stop by for a visit, bring along a delicious cake and savor the moment . Your heart will be enlightened by your meaningful visit. Your loved one will cherish the time you spent together. Even if no words are spoken your presence alone could make their day.
Do offer to cook a meal, mow the lawn, babysit the children etc..... these deeds might seem small to you but will be huge in the mind of your loved one.
Don't preach to them....if they drink, smoke, eat a pizza...don't tell them it's unhealthy, don't you think they already know that. It's their bodies to do with what they please. We all make choices in life, show them the respect by allowing them to make theirs.
Don't suggest alternative forms of treatment, healthier lifestyles, vitamins or supplements....trust me they have been there and heard it and possibly tried it. That's what their physician and Google is intended for.
Do remember silence is deadly and so is cancer. One we have control over and one we don't. Be the best you can be and show your support without being overly sympathetic which can actually make your loved one feel worse.
Don't forget humor is the best medicine. Laugh with them until you both can't laugh anymore and then laugh even more!!! :-)
Don't ask "Are you cancer free now"? Ugh! There is no such thing as cancer free! We were all born with cancer cells in our bodies. These cells are inactive until they become active. So you get cancer when there are more factors that promote cancer growth than factors that inhibit cancer growth. It’s that simple.
Added bonus: Do be your own advocate for your health. Doctors are human and they make mistakes. No one knows your body like you. Without thoroughly explaining all of your symptoms no matter how trivial you think they might be your physician won't be able to effectively diagnose you. Keep in mind you made the choice to "hire" your physician for his abilities. So, unless you feel comfortable with his performance, you are free to speak your mind until you receive the answers that you are comfortable with.
Disclaimer: I'm not judging anyone. I understand how it might be uncomfortable and you might be at a loss for words. I'm not a medical professional. I'm an advocate for victims of cancer and their loved ones. My terminology might offend someone and for that I apologize but my personal journey has brought me to this point. In 2002 I lost my mother to a six year battle with Colon Cancer. I've been by my husband's side during his five year battle with Prostate Cancer and the emotional roller coaster takes it's toll at times. My heart goes out to all cancer fighters and their families.
Wishing you well.
For all victims of cancer....
Additional stories to read...
- Get Off Your Knees
Get off Your Knees explores the suppression of medical information while revealing little known facts about the corruption and greed in the Medical Field. It references the book by the same title written by David Icke. - How To Understand The Best Ways To Deal With A Sick Loved One-Chronic Illness Etiquette-
This is basically information on how to act or be considerate of a chronically ill friend or family member. - Finding the right words to comfort cancer patients - CNN
A good friend of mine recently learned she has breast cancer. Even though I spend most of my time writing for a living, I was at a loss for the right words to comfort her.It wasn't until I
Amazon Auctions
 | Amazon Price: $4.97 List Price: $18.00 |
 | Amazon Price: $13.35 List Price: $26.95 |
 | Amazon Price: $0.99 |
 | Amazon Price: $5.48 List Price: $14.00 |
 | Amazon Price: $15.95 List Price: $32.50 |
vote upvote downshareprintflag
- Useful (24)
- Funny (1)
- Awesome (20)
- Beautiful (11)
- Interesting (4)
CommentsLoading...
If this hub just helps one person I'll be thankful.
Outstanding ! Well done !! Anyone who has a loved one with Cancer should read this !
Simply awesome! Thanks for sharing your feelings. I only have one more point to add to this list, and that is to not forget the carer/partner either. Many times in the 3 years my husband has been fighting cancer, I have been at my lowest point too. 99% of people overlooked that detail....but that 1%, that took the time to say "and how are YOU doing?" gave me the strength to continue. Sometimes little things mean a lot!
Tassie....excellent point and thank you very much for mentioning how important the caregiver is also. I tend to forget that. I'm glad you have 1% in your life. Wishing your husband and YOU the best.
Great advice....and advice to remember....because sooner or later the beast will hit somebody close to you....in my case it was my mother about 4 years, luckily she has currently won that battle.....but now we fear a new battle every time she goes to the doctor....voted up and useful.....great hub
I AGREE WELL SAID, AND AS YOU KNOW WITH MY HUBBY WHO BATTLED PROSTATE CANCER AND NOW BATTLEING HIS BLADDER CANCER, THIS IS SUCH A ROLLER COSTER, THAT IS A WELL VERSED SAYING,I TOO HOPE THIS WILL HELP SOMEONE WHO IS OR HAS BATTLED THIS AWEFUL SICKNESS.. I LIKE YOU,, AM STANDING BESIDE OUR LOVEDONES,, AND AM HOPING SOON A CURE WILL COME,, THANKS FOR SHARING THIS
ALWAYS THINKING OF YOU SUE
Very helpful hub...people usually mean well but sometimes it just comes out all wrong. Good, solid advice, thank you.
Beautifully written sound advice from the heart. Good wishes and all strength to you and your husband.
Very nicely put and informative
Your comments are appreciated. Thank you dearabby, starcreate and marie! It's amazing how much positive feedback I've received.
My daughter was diagnosed with cancer at the new year. And SO many of our family and friends have been gracious during this time. Thank you for posting your first hand experience about a challenging subject.
Thank you for sharing Prell. Wishing your daughter and your family well during your journey
Thank you for sharing. I am currently going through a third journey with cancer, and like you, have learnt much along the way. My wife and I wrote a little book Face to Face with Cancer and there is a chapter there called Lessons from A Caregiver which truly resonates with what you wrote here. Do check it out at sooewejin.blogspot.com. Be Well. - Ewe Jin from Malaysia (ewejin@gmail.com)
Thank you Ewe I will check it out asap. I'm sure the knowledge that you are sharing is well appreciated. Wishing you luck with your journey.
Wow great hub!I think getting into therapy would help all of us. It did me. I went when I was suffering depression.
Very well written. Those of us who have lost a loved one to cancer know the pain.
Thank you mar and leigh....the right support is very important. Thanks for sharing!
My Mom is in heaven because of cancer but she fought it the whole way and never lost a positive outlook. I remember she said she wanted to get a t-shirt that says "Cancer Sucks" I agree that cancer does indeed suck
I'm sorry for your loss chuck. Thank you for sharing.
Great hub Sunshine....Wish I'd had seen it in 97. I had an old girlfriend call me while at was at Walter Reed, and I asked her to come visit me....She said, "Well, my boss says your cancer isn't that bad, so I'm not going to drive up there since you'll be back in Atlanta soon." I hung up on her and never talked to her again!....The nerve. Some people just don't have hearts...Thanks for sharing yours with us friend!! :-)
You either get it or you don't Jeff. Unfortunately we are in the get it category but I prefer it that way. Thank you for sharing your story, maybe someone will learn from it. :-)
I like this Hub! Often the behaviors of the people close to the ill are of fear, or are too much compassionate, or superficial.
This is a special Hub with true words, of a true experience, by a true person.
And... Don't forget: humor is the best medicine!
Thanks for sharing.
Your comment is very much appreciated fucsia .... thank you!
Thanks for this hub sunshine, my daughter had to have her one of her kidneys removed in April due to numerous malignant massive tumors they found growing out of it. It was called renal adenocarcinoma she's had growing for years and didnt even know. She had a back pain that wouldnt go away, but kept ignoring like most of us do when we have aches & pains, but Thank God she did go to the ER one night and they performed a CT scan and the dr saw it. The dr also said with kidney cancer, there are usually little to no symptoms at all, she was already at a stage 3. We don't know yet if it has spread throughout her body, she will be having a test on the 13th of June which will determine if she's cancer free. All we can do is pray:( ge
Such a deadly and ugly disease. I love how this Hub helps those around the one who is ill because I know from experience how much pain the disease causes for those connected to person who actually has the cancer. I wouldn't trade places with the cancer patient for anything, but there is definitely a burden to bear for others as well. Great suggestions!
Thank you wayseeker for sharing. You made some valid points yourself. Much appreciated.
Hey Mary, wow...this was powerful. Thank you for writing it. Have you been blogging here regularly?
Hi Stan....yes I've been a regular for the past few months. Thanks for your comment. Sunshine
Good advice. I know it can be difficult to know what to say when someone is sick, but I totally agree that saying something is much better than nothing. Even if you do end up putting your foot in your mouth I think most people appriciate the effort!
Thank you for stopping by and sharing an excellent point!!! Something is always better than nothing.
This is a terrific hub. I had a friend who eventually died of cancer. During her chemo treatments, which took place in the hospital, she had hours and hours to get through; we mostly played rummy, a simple card game, to pass the time. She was a great trooper and real example of courage to us all. We were so sad to lose her. She said once, and I'll never forget this: she found out who her real friends were. She had tons of friends: only three of us ever visited her in the hospital, and only two of us, more than once.
How sad is that? She was the same person undergoing chemo as she was at the neighborhood block party. Why not visit? Cancer isn't catching. I just don't know what her other friends were thinking. I wouldn't have liked to have been abandoned like that. And it wasn't a really downer of a visit, either. We'd play cards; she had a boombox and we took turns putting in the music we liked. I had to wear a surgical mask over my face and be careful of skin contact, so that I wouldn't contaminate her with my germs when her immunities were low; other than that, it was a pretty normal visit.
Thank you for sharing paradise. Your friend was extremely blessed to have you. Abandoning a family member or a friend during times of crisis and ill health is just wrong. From experience i've witnessed it with my mom and husband. We all make choices in life...whether they are right or wrong we still must live with those decisions. Wishing you good health.
Do unto others as others do unto you.
Very excellently written. My journey with Cancer is one I am still living through. My sister had Breast Cancer, My father died of Cancer and My mother had Colon Cancer. My sister continues to live her life and has a couple of issues. She had one daughter at the time and the doctor told her that she would be lucky to conceive again, due to the treatment. However, her second daughter was born a few years later. She still has a lingering issue with one of her arms, which retains water from time to time, making her arm swell. My mother had 18 inches of intestines removed when doctors found she had Cancer of the Colon. The doctors told her that there is a 15% chance that it will resurface, but my mother is at an age, where she no longer care if it does or not. Nothing I do to support her is going to change her mind and this has been a fact that I've had to live with. My father died from Cancer, because, as you said doctors are human and it was a misdiagnosis that lead to his Cancer not being caught earlier than it was. Your hub will help support a lot of people who read up on Cancer. Good work.
Your journey is very much appreciated. It's with our stories of experiences with real life events that we help guide others. Cancer is mean and ugly and rears it's ugliness when least expected. Some fight for their lives while others accept the inevitable. Wishing your sister the best of luck. Your mother sounds like a courageous woman. I've heard many stories similiar to your dads. Your family is lucky to have you. Thank you for sharing.
Very useful advice Sunshine, thanks for sharing this. It is such a sensitive topic and learning how to deal with a person going through such a difficult and trying period is an area fraught with "landmines." My husband and I have always wondered how do we engage a person or their family members who are going through this tough period in their lives? What is the appropriate thing to say or offer? What do we avoid doing or saying. Your hub has helped a lot in answering those questions of ours.
I'm glad to know that this hub helped answer some questions for you moiragallaga! I hope it also helps many more people. There are times when we just don't know what to say.
Great Hub! When I was undergoing chemo and someone meaning to be kind (helpful) said "be positive", I nearly threw the phone on the floor. They meant well, of course, but offering simplistic advice when the chips are down was inappropriate. It made them feel they were being close, (by giving me 'good' advice) but I knew they were far removed from what was going on for me. My emotional reserves, as well as physical, were completely drained, so it which was hard, uncomfortable, painful at times. 'Be positive' sounded like something you'd say to someone at the hairdressers who's chatting about something trivial. I did not want to have to get my head round how 'friendly' they were trying, and failing, to be.
Perhaps I needed to vent anger that moment.
Just shows how complicated it can be to know how to be close to someone who is going through the cancer therapies.
Your Hub was helpful to everyone going through, or next to, loved ones and friends who are battling cancer.
Thank you.
Sunshine - I am so glad you wrote this. My step dad (who raised me most of my life) passed away due to complications of lung cancer 14 years ago. Your advice is fantastic....cancer is a beast and not taking about it or negotiating with it are impossible. I applaud you for looking it in the eye, raising awareness and educating others. Bravo!
Sunshine, this is such a helpful hub. Those of us who know someone with cancer are often unsure of whether or how to approach them, and your guidance is great. I have a friend who survived a melanoma 35 years ago, but she's never lost the fear that cancer will return. I know it irritates her unendurably to have people tell her that she's cancer-free and is silly to worry. Thanks again for this excellent hub! Voted up.
I can understand how your friend feels. Unless one has been there and done it they just don't know what to say. We live and learn. Thank you for your comment and sharing your story.
You are such an angel Sunshine.. The older I get the more I deal with cancer. I hope your friend will be ok. I am sure this hub will reach many! Bless you for writing it.
Thanks Tammy, sorry you had to be there and do that too. It's my husband at this time for me. It's been one heck of a ride. I'm glad you and I hooked up over at you know where:)
thnx for information and more information about cancer risks
cancer-risks.blogspot.com
Thank you for the link prasad!!
Sunshine these are incredibly important tips. Cancer has become so prevalent today and it can be uncomfortable for family and friends to communicate. Who would think one would ever have to consider Cancer Etiquette? Thank you for providing these tips and for sharing your perspective. I wish nothing but the best for you and Dave. I know you are a fighter and your happy spirit warms me to no end. Thank you for being YOU!!! Fight on sister friend! You are an awesome advocate and supporter.
HEART ya' !!!
Excellent tips. I had a good friend who I saw a lot when I was battling breast cancer, others I didn't see until I went back to work almost a year later. But, I guess everyone handles it differently.
Personally, I did find it helpful to try and be positive through all my treatments. That doesn't mean I was always positive, that is impossible.
One thing, my sister refuses to discuss it even after all this time. Every time I would bring up my cancer, she would change the subject.
I'm now a 14-year cancer survivor.
Hi Susan, Yes everyone does handle cancer differently. We all do the best we can with the knowledge we have.
Congratulations to you for being a survivor...wishing you continued success.
You hit the nail right on the head. You said it when I didn't have the guts to a long time ago. You wouldn't believe the things people say. However; in their defense from being on both sides of the equation, You don't know what to say. It's a darned if you do, darned if you don't kind of deal. I have about 3 hubs on cancer you can read here if you wish.
Thank you for your comment weezy. I will stop by to read your hubs also.
The one comment that I have hated the most is, "God never gives you more than you can handle." Wow. What I really want is, "This blows." Those faux positive comments are the worst. And one thing I've learned is that people turn their backs because your cancer makes them uncomfortable. I have very little support from family because they can't cope with my terminal illness. It's baloney!
braincancersux, I understand your frustration. Wishing you a positive outcome. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Linda, I think you have found a calling in the field of psychology, coping skills, and mindfulness. You have strong passion for the subject matter you have written and it shows! You know how to talk to people and know how they tick. Also, you know how people need to be addressed when they are trying to beat the big C!
My Grandfather succumbed to lymphoma in the 1980's. It was hard for my father to see him die. People like you would have been great to have around when that was going on!
Thank you for writing this...voted up...and shared!!!
You said it all! As a cancer survivor myself, you have no clue. Everything you said is spot on. I think people don't know how to react or what to say, and I think they really are trying to help in their own way. I may add one thing to your list if you don't mind. That is asking what they ate today or did you eat? That drove me crazy!! P.S, it's okay to call but not 8 times a day. I have an article I wrote on Chronic Illness Etiquette. Explaining pretty much the same thing. Thank you for this
This hub can help many people, who don't know how to act when they hear about a friend or relative that has been diagnosed with cancer. You should be proud of this hub, Linda. It's really good and helpful.
Hi Audra, That's quite a compliment and I thank you. When I feel strongly about an issue I tend to go full force supporting it and leave no stones unturned. I appreciate you!:)
Way to go Weezy for beating the beast! Wishing you continued success with your journey! Thank you for sharing your peeves with us. I will be sure and stop by your hub.
Thank you Made. Your comment means a lot:)
Excellent hub. My sister and sister-in-law are breast cancer survivors. My former secretary had breast cancer well over 10 years ago and is doing fine.
However, it is still a scary disease and it is one that should not be viewed as anything else. The advice you give is excellent.
I worked in a corner drug store when I was a teenager. We had a customer, whose son had bone cancer and was taking some heavy meds for that time (1960s). Every now and then the son would come with his Dad to get the meds, wearing his pajamas and robe. He would have a soft drink while his father talked to the pharmacist. I regret that I did not attempt to make conversation with him. He was several years younger and I was only 16 and not very good at beginning conversations, but I wished I had, just so he would had known that I saw him as a person and not just as someone with a horrible disease.
Larry, If this boy was brave enough to come into a drug store wearing his pajamas and robe to sip a soda I'm sure he knew he was more than just a disease. There is no need to regret not approaching him. He was younger and probably would have felt comfortable speaking. Just feeling someone's caring presence is more important than words at times. I'm sure he felt your presence. I did just from your story. Thank you for sharing. I hope it helps someone else in that position.
Good article . . . 'These cells are inactive until they become active' which means they become active for a reason. I have always found it interesting that the only person in our family that could afford the type of cancer that is treatable is the only person that has ever gotten it. Makes one wonder . . . after all we all eat the same food have the same lifestyle and yet the wealthy member gets an incurable disease that eats up his life and money . . . Hmmmm!
I wrote and article called Get Off Your Knees that has some interesting facts about cancer you might want to take a look at . . . or not.
I personally think it is a scam and that we have had a cure for it for a very long time. I was diagnosed with melanoma four years ago but refuse to treat it and it hasn't spread or affected my life in any way, shape or form.
I think the treatment is the disease and refuse to participate, my family thinks I'm crazy but . . . hey it may very well be a state of mind.
To claim we don't have the cure is total nonsense in my opinion. Ever wonder why the country with the greatest level of living conditions spends more money on the Wealth Care system than any other industry . . . kind of hard to make money on a light bulb that last forever.
Hi somethblue, Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for your comment. I also believe there is a cure, but we will never know because the pharmaceutical industry and oncologists would go bankrupt. Cancer care treatment is VERY expensive. Millions of people are in debt due to medical expenses. They will never get out of that debt. Let's hope someone does finally does have a heart and comes forward with the cure.
Also, could you please post a link to your hub here...others might find it useful also. Thank you!
Yes, Cancer Sucks, no doubt about it however like a lot of things sometimes the knowledge and information that is with held from us can make all the difference in how we perceive subject. I personally refuse to play the Cancer Game of unending treatment even if it leads to my death.
Here is a link to the story I wrote on what is being with held from the American Public . . . . . Knowledge Is Power and those that don't have it usually end up paying for it!
It is called Get Off Your Knees . . . . http://somethgblue.hubpages.com/hub/Get-Off-Your-K
somethgblue, I agree in so many ways!! Thank you for sharing your link. Your article will be appreciated by many. In one way or another we could all relate. I appreciate you!!
I will read your hub, but I do not think any cures are being withheld. Sometimes a cure for one person could be fatal to another. If that is the case, is it really a cure if you do not know how the person will react.
I hate to disagree, but I do not think there are any secret cures being withheld. There may be some cures that are still in the testing stage. If pharmaceutical companies wanted to make money by keeping the cures secret, why would they invest in finding the cures. If independent scientist find the cures, they are smart enough to protect their patents and license them to companies that would actually produce the medication.
It use to be argued that tire makers did not make better tires because they would not sell as many. As technology improved, tires improved.
I have had numerous relatives, aunts, uncles and others die from cancer. As you know there never will be one single cure because cancer is not just one disease. It is a group of diseases and progress has been made. Be grateful. My mother died of ALS. There is not only any cure, there is no treatment. You just make the patient as comfortable as possible and watch them die.
You may disagree with me and that is your right.
I have known people who declined cancer treatments. That is their right. I do not know what I would do if I had the disease. I will make that decision if I ever am stricken with it and the decision will be based on the type of cancer, my overall health, my age, the prognosis and other similar factors.
I understand your point of view Larry and I appreciate you sharing it with us. We are all entitled to our opinions depending on our circumstances and what we witness.
I also had family members who declined treatment. It was their choice and they are missed. I have a strong feeling what I would do if I was in the position to decide.
Thank you again for your thoughts.
This will without a doubt benefit many readers.
A great hub ;take care and I wish you a wonderful weekend.
Eddy.
I sure hope so Eddy. Have a wonderful weekend!
I need to know this now - what to do and not to do. Thank you, Linda, for all the tips.
It's frightening how this disease has touched more and more people in my life. Sometimes I just don't know what to do or say so thank you for the etiquette tips. Voting this Up and Useful.
Most of us will be touched by cancer in some way throughout our lives and until we are - we need help on how to help the person who has it. I lost both grandmothers to it, a friend at the age of 32 and another friend last year who I am so grateful to have seen the week before she died and remember now how much we laughed together. One of the most important thing you mention here is to keep in touch with people with cancer - always time well spent. Excellent hub, voted up, shared, etc,etc
Mich 13 months ago
These are all very appropriate and helpful tips! Good for you for sharing it with others. :)